I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
