And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
