one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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