Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
