Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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