Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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