just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
