I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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