First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
