my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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