So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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