my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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