Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
