i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
