ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
