I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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