so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
