I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize