Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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