You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
