I want to walk on stilts...naked
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
