My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
