Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
