Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
