Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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