champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
