I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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