I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
