when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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