News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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