just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
