That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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