I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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