About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
