Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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