Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
