I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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