im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
