No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
