Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
