so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
