I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My cat gives me a boner
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
