im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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