why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize