I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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