I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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