Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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