btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize