We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
