I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
