I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
