i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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