Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
