Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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